Episode Transcript
[00:00:01] Speaker A: You're listening to sex and love with me, your host, Doctor Emily Jamia. This series focuses on all topics related to sex and love, both here in the US and around the world. My goal is to not only showcase sexually empowered people, but also give a voice to the challenges many face due to the taboo nature of sexuality in many cultures.
Do you struggle to maintain desire in your relationship? Does one of you want sex more often than the other? Watch my interview with Doctor Barry McCarthy, my colleague, mentor and author of twelve books and dozens of articles, as we tackle all of these questions.
[00:00:43] Speaker B: Thank you everyone for tuning in. This is the first of my professional interview series and I feel like I'm starting off really at the top here because I'm joined by Doctor Barry McCarthy, who's books I think I read like over a decade ago, back when I was an emerging sex therapist and going through college and grad school and doctor McCarthy, I've followed your work for a long time and then you've kind of been a mentor for me in recent years with some of my research. So I feel like you've kind of been a part of my life for over a decade now. So I'm really pleased to have you. I'm going to turn it over to you and let you introduce yourself, yourself to our audience.
[00:01:24] Speaker C: So my professional background is I have a PhD in clinical psychology, certified sex therapist and certified couple therapist. And I practiced in Washington DC for about 42 years. Now what I do is much easier, which is I give workshops for professionals and I write books for the lay public. And so that's what I do now in my life. And I especially am interested in topics about what keeps sexuality healthy. And that the paradox actually is that when sex plays a positive role in a person's life and relationship, it's a small role. It's this 15% to 20% role and allow you to feel desire and desirability and it energizes your body. The paradox actually is when it's dysfunctional, it's conflictual, but especially when it's avoided, plays an enormously powerful negative role. It really drains you and it drains the relationship and it's totally unnecessary because ultimately sex is a team sport and you need to be intimate and erotic allies in that sport.
[00:02:34] Speaker B: That's so interesting. So let me just recap that. So on the positive side, when sex is going well, you're saying it only makes up for kind of a small percentage of relationship happiness and success. But when it's going poorly, it can make for a huge percentage of marital dissatisfaction.
[00:02:51] Speaker C: And when couples feeling dissatisfied or when that breaks up, it's often, especially early in a relationship, it is a sex problem.
I think most couples begin in what's called the limerence phase of a relationship, which is romantic love, passionate sex, idealized. I love the limerence fact.
[00:03:13] Speaker B: Everything's easy, right?
Call it falling in love.
[00:03:16] Speaker C: It's a very passive process, but it's very fragile. It lasts between six months and two years. The challenge is to find a couple sexual style that reinforces this new mantra, desire, pleasure, eroticism, and satisfaction. That's. And you've got to figure out who you are as a sexual couple. And usually who you are as a sexual couple is different than who you are as a relational couple.
The best friend relational style is the one that works for most couples. The sense that your partner has your back, they know who you really are and they still love you. But that doesn't work as well sexually.
The key issue sexually is how you balance intimacy and eroticism. There's so many couples who say, we love each other, but we no longer feel desired or desirable with each other. You've deroticized yourself and you've de eroticized your relationship.
[00:04:18] Speaker B: So what would you advise for that kind of couple? Because I know that's a couple I have often in my practice, they'll say, we have this amazing relationship. We co parent really well, we have our health, we have stable jobs. Like, everything is going well, but we're just not in the mood to have sex. Like, what kind of advice do you give to those couples?
[00:04:35] Speaker C: The biggest thing is for them to understand that that's a very common problem. Desire is the most common sexual problem among american couples.
And whether it's low desire, desire discrepancies. It affects one out of two relationships.
So it's important to not feel that you're alone in this.
[00:04:56] Speaker B: Right. I think everyone thinks the neighbors are having better sex, and that's everybody's having.
[00:05:00] Speaker C: Better sex than you. It's a myth.
So I think that the thing that people have to be able to do the worst time to talk sex is when you're nude in bed after a negative experience. People saying, do things that really hurt.
[00:05:15] Speaker B: Totally.
[00:05:16] Speaker C: The best place to talk sex is in a therapist's office or the day before having being sexual and talk about it in terms of both being intimate and erotic friends, because that's what the real challenge is. There's so many couples who say, I love my spouse, but I'm no longer in love with them. They derotisize them and the relationship in themselves.
And intimacy and eroticism are crucial factors, but they're very different.
Intimacy is all about feeling safe, secure, predictable, warm and close, wonderful feeling, but it's not good. Sexual and eroticism is all about taking risks. It's about high intensity emotions, high intensity sensations.
When I see r rated movies, I love movies and I love r rated movies. But it's never about marital couples. It's never about marital sex. It's premarital sex or extramarital sex.
The challenge is for you to see yourself and your partner as erotic friends, not just intimate friends, and finding a couple sexual style that allows you to share desire, pleasure, eroticism and satisfaction. Again, desire is the most important. Satisfaction is the second most important. And about positive, realistic expectations. You know, the best sex, and I want to be real clear about this, is mutual, synchronous sex. Both of you feel high levels of satisfaction, but that's the exception, not the rule, right? Most sex is good, but it's asynchronous. It's better for one partner than the other. And for couples under 40, it tends to be better for the man than the woman. But interestingly, in couples over 65, it tends to be better for the woman than the man. It's a really interesting gender challenge.
[00:07:16] Speaker B: I have some ideas about why that might be, but what's your take on it?
[00:07:21] Speaker C: Well, my take on it is pretty straightforward. My take on it is the way that most men learn to be sexual is autonomously. In other words, he can feel desire, he can be aroused, he can be orgasmic. He doesn't need anything from his partner. He wants his partner to be involved and enjoy it, but he doesn't need anything from her.
Most women learn sex as intimate and interactive, and they learn desire as responsive. Responsive to both emotional feelings, but especially responsive to touch. You often begin a sexual experience at a ten point scale of pleasure. You begin at zero, at neutral. And as you touch and are touched and aware of your feelings and your partner's feelings, that's when you experience desire.
So in the long run, the responsive sexual desire model works much better. It's a hard thing to talk to 20 and 30 year old men about because they get spontaneous erections and they tie that to desire, right? But in their fifties, sixties, and especially seventies and eighties, you don't get spontaneous erections. It comes from the interaction between the two.
[00:08:33] Speaker B: Men get aroused and feel like, okay, I'm in the mood, I want to have sex. Whereas women have more of the responsive desire that comes after feeling the emotional connection and physical sensations of arousal.
[00:08:45] Speaker C: But if you look at couples in their fifties, sixties, seventies and eighties, that's not true for those couples. They both need responsive desire. Responsive desire makes a lot of sense.
And the old view of males and females was that male sexuality was better. Got spontaneous erections, had predictable intercourse and orgasm.
That's the right model. But people believe more and more. And as I've gotten older, I become believer more and more, and that is female male sexual equity. That that is so much better than the double standard.
[00:09:22] Speaker B: Oh, yeah.
[00:09:23] Speaker C: What I say to young couples is if you figure out how to be sexual now, it's going to be a better investment for you than putting $100,000 into retirement. I completely pay off.
[00:09:36] Speaker B: It's cheaper than a divorce, too much cheaper than a. So what kind of advice do you give to young couples on cultivating that early in the relationship?
[00:09:46] Speaker C: Well, the thing that I say to them is, and the same thing I say to couples in their seventies, but especially for couples in their twenties and thirties, is the limerence phrase was wonderful. It's time to let it go. You've got to find a way of turning towards your partner as your intimate, neurotic ally, your intimate, neurotic friend, and find a sexual style that really does work for you. And that means how you balance intimacy. Neuroticism, the best friend style, works relationally and parentally, doesn't work sexually.
[00:10:22] Speaker B: So does that mean. Doctor McCarthy, let me interrupt you. So does that mean that couples shouldn't necessarily be best friends or too emotionally close? Is that what you're saying? Because that can kill the eroticism. Or can they still have that, but then learn to also have the eroticism? And if so, how?
[00:10:41] Speaker C: Keeping their best friend relational style for most couples is a wonderful idea. Okay, it's true whether they're married or partnered, whether they're straight or gay, but when it comes to their sexual style, it's different. They need to integrate playfulness and eroticism. But the biggest thing is they need to not the woman, not feel inferior to the man.
That she has to find her own sexual voice.
And that sexual voice really allows her to be open and to look at him in his erection as her friend, not as a pressure to be sexual. The name of the game, basically, is to focus on desire, experiences what builds comfort, what builds attraction, what builds trust. And each of you have an opportunity. In my way of working with folks and teaching folks is each of you has a right to your own sexual voice and your own sexual scenario. And I've worked with over 4000 couples. I've never worked with a couple that has the exact same preferences for sexual scenarios.
So have your unique voice, but turn towards your partner as your ally and not feel that the woman is in a one down position.
[00:12:10] Speaker B: Right.
How do you advise women to discover their sexual advice? Because that's something I work with women a lot. They'll say, like, okay, I'm open to, you know, reconnecting with my sexuality, but they feel sort of inhibited and shy and don't really know where to start. How do you guide them?
[00:12:27] Speaker C: Well, you know, I'm a big believer in psycho education.
[00:12:30] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:12:31] Speaker C: So if I, I don't mean to sell books, but, you know, for young women, women under 30, the best sex book for young women is a book called come as you are by Emily Ngoski.
[00:12:43] Speaker B: Yeah, it's kind of the women's sexuality bible, if you will.
[00:12:47] Speaker C: My college students love Emily Ngoski and come as you are. I think for adult women, women over 30, our book, finding your sexual voice really does empower the woman. And let me say something that sounds paradoxical but I think is really important, and that is, unless she has the power to say no to sex, she doesn't have the freedom to say yes to sex.
She trusts that he will honor her veto.
[00:13:17] Speaker B: Yes. Yes, definitely. How do you, what do you say? So I often have couples come in where there's a higher desire and a lower desire partner, of course. And we sort of, they develop kind of a secondary issue in therapy where the higher desire partner is, like, constantly expressing their frustration. And they'll say, well, I feel like I have, I'm entitled to my feelings, too. How, what would you advise them? How can they express their frustration or dissatisfaction without making the lower desire partner feel even worse?
[00:13:50] Speaker C: Well, I think one of the most important concepts is this idea that sex is a team sport about sharing pleasure. And you don't turn on your teammate, you don't label your teammate, you don't complain about your teammate, and you break the power struggle. The traditional male female power struggle is intercourse or nothing. And if it's intercourse or nothing, nothing's going to win.
[00:14:15] Speaker B: I love that quote of yours.
[00:14:20] Speaker C: One of the most valuable things that they can do is say sex is more than intercourse. We love intercourse. I want to say this very clearly. I'm totally in favor of arousal, intercourse and orgasm, no ifs, ands, or both. But that's not the essence of couple sex. Yeah, the essence of couple sex is pleasure, and it's understanding. You can have sensuality. You can have playfulness you can have eroticism without intercourse. All of those are ways of being sexual.
[00:14:54] Speaker B: I was going to say that's something I encourage my clients all the time because so many people think of sex happening very linearly, that, you know, first you have desire, then arousal, then maybe an orgasm, the whole thing is over. And I sort of like, think of the infinity symbol and encourage them to touch each other, even when they don't want to have sex, and to be responsive to their partner's touch or, you know, to take a bath together or shower together. That can be a very erotic but not sexual experience. And I think, I would argue with.
[00:15:23] Speaker C: You, I think it is a sexual experience.
The way to do it is to, is to confront this idea that sex equals intercourse.
[00:15:32] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:15:33] Speaker C: That sex is about pleasure. And it includes sensual, playful and erotic scenarios. I'd have them talk about it, read about it, but the major thing I'd have them do, whether it's once a month or once every three months, say we're going to schedule a sensual day in the next month. We're going to schedule a playful day in the next month. We're going to schedule an erotic date, and we're going to decide whether it's going to be mutual or it's going to be asynchronous.
And I do think that that's part of positive, realistic expectations.
[00:16:07] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:16:08] Speaker C: And don't use the male model. The male model is very simplistic.
Predictable erection, predictable intercourse, predictable orgasm. That's the male model. And that's seen as superior. It isn't superior.
The female model of intimate, interactive sex and valuing eroticism and valuing orgasm, but not making it contingent, you know, what's the single most important, valuable thing that couples do when they do these exercises? What is when the non orgasmic partner, it's usually the woman, but when we're talking about older couples, it can be the man, too.
When the non orgasmic partner turns to the orgasmic partner and says, I really love that sex. I really feel really good about you and about me. And the orgasmic partner says, you feel much better. I mean, I had an orgasm, but I don't feel very satisfied. Yeah, satisfaction. I love orgasm for men and women. But satisfaction is not primarily about orgasm. It's primarily about feeling good about yourself as a sexual person and energizes a sexual couple.
[00:17:23] Speaker B: I agree. I think sex does not have to have. An.org does not require an erection, number one. And satisfaction and pleasure does not necessarily include an orgasm all the time for people I work with couples so much on rewriting their sexual script, or at least expanding it, because so many times couples come in with this very narrow idea of what sex should be. And when something happens that maybe doesn't go according to plan, it's like the entire experience just stops and feelings hurt and people get upset. And so I work with them on learning to be adaptable to the changes that are going to happen. And I think that's also a key for long term satisfaction with couples because I tell them the sex that you have in the honeymoon period of the relationship is going to be different. A couple years in, it's going to be different when maybe you're trying to conceive, when you have young children at home, when you're empty nesters. It evolves with your circumstances, your body's limitation, your, you know, desires. And it's so important for couples to learn to negotiate that and kind of roll with it early on and negotiate.
[00:18:28] Speaker C: Not in a politically correct way, but an emotional way.
[00:18:31] Speaker B: Yes, yes.
[00:18:33] Speaker C: I want to be sure that sexually you have my back. You know, let me give you some good news and then some bad news. I love doing that. Write and talk.
The good news is that couples who stay sexual in their sixties, seventies and eighties are more satisfied sexually than couples in their twenties and thirties.
That's really important and it's scientifically true.
[00:18:55] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:18:55] Speaker C: The thing that really shocks people, especially men, is that when couples, especially couples over 50, stop being sexual, it's almost always the man's decision.
It isn't because he doesn't want to have sex. That's a myth. It's because he's lost his confidence with directions and intercourse. And he says, I don't want to start something I can't finish. I've heard that a thousand times.
So I'd rather not do anything. It's his decision. It's a really unwise decision for him, for her, and for them as a relationship.
[00:19:30] Speaker B: Then they're making sex contingent on the erection, on performance.
[00:19:34] Speaker C: For them, sexism, pants fail performance.
You know, you can use Viagra or cialis. And by the way, for most couples, cialis works better because it fits into their sexual style easier.
But it isn't a standalone medication. And probably these prorection medications, especially Viagra, has probably caused more non sexual marriages than anything else in history since 1998. Wow. Because nobody says to the couple or to the mayor what to expect in terms of good enough sex, not perfect performance, and how to integrate the viagra into their couples sexual style.
[00:20:14] Speaker B: And it's not just I think the men who lose confidence because their erections are maybe a little bit less reliable. I work with so many couples where the female partner's reaction to the loss of erection takes what. What might have just been a blip on the radar and turns it into, like, this whole thing. It's, oh, you're not attracted to me, or my body is ugly, or you don't desire me anymore. And when I ask male partners, sometimes, you know, individually, usually. What was the worst part? When you lost your reaction? Nine times out of ten, they say the look on my partner's face. So I think that so many women buy into this male model and put all the emphasis on the erection as well. And it creates such a gap for.
[00:20:59] Speaker C: A couple, intercourse or nothing performance model. It isn't a team model, and it is an intimacy model.
And again, what to do about it is very straightforward. Trying to get people to do it and really be motivated to do it is much more challenging. But it's when.
When sex doesn't mean the positive flow in terms of desires is openness, positive anticipation, really getting into touching and being touched.
Pleasure orientation, arousal, erotic flow, intercourse and orgasm.
When it doesn't flow, though, rather than being self conscious and apologizing or panicking, is to be able to say to your partner, this isn't going to be an intercourse night.
Let's make this either a sensual night or a playful or an erotic non intercourse night. We can do it synchronously or asynchronously, but let's have a good time here, or at the worst, let's make it a rain check, but stop turning away and feeling terrible.
[00:22:07] Speaker B: Stay positive.
Don't forget that you're working together as a team, I think is key.
[00:22:13] Speaker C: Right. This notion, it says, I trust that sexually, my partner has my back.
[00:22:20] Speaker B: What's your advice to couples where one person maybe wants to try something a little bit outside the box and the other is just completely shut down to the idea?
[00:22:30] Speaker C: Well, I think, again, the notion is to talk about this outside the bedroom when you're dressed.
[00:22:36] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:22:37] Speaker C: And to be able to say, I want to. The person who wants to try something, so whether it's the man or the woman says, this is what I'd like to try in the next month in terms of being sexual. And the person has a choice of saying, yes, no, or saying, I don't want to do that, but I'll try something else.
What you don't have a choice of is to avoid avoidance, is anti sexual.
The notion is, where can we meet? And again, you can veto. What I say to people is you can veto up to three scenarios, but not more than three.
What are you open to?
The traditional thing is men never say no to sex. And one of the things that we do when I would work with couples is they would not be able to terminate until he had said no at least once to know he can do it.
And I think that the challenge for the woman is to find her erotic voice. She often finds her pleasuring voice in her intimacy voice, but not her erotic voice.
[00:23:46] Speaker B: What's the difference?
[00:23:48] Speaker C: It hasn't. Think about arousal on a ten point scale. Zero is neutral.
Sensual is like two to three. Playful is like four to five. Erotic is like six to ten.
So there's a.
They're compatible, but they're different. Intimacy is about feeling close, secure, warm. Eroticism is about taking risk and intense emotions and intense sensations.
They're both really important and they both. They belong to both men and women.
[00:24:27] Speaker B: And how.
[00:24:28] Speaker C: Go ahead.
[00:24:30] Speaker B: I was going to say, how do you create those intense emotions in eroticism when your day to day life is so predictable and simple? How do couples do that? Is it by taking sexual risks and stepping outside the box a little bit? Is that.
[00:24:45] Speaker C: Well, I think most of the advice about eroticism, this is one of the things I write about too much and talk about too much professionally.
Most of the stuff on the Internet about eroticism is actually anti intimacy. And it's performance oriented. And you feel negated.
[00:25:01] Speaker B: All the tips and tricks and.
[00:25:03] Speaker C: Right. All the tricks. Most of them are harmful.
[00:25:06] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:25:07] Speaker C: And it kind of compared. It says to you, you're not erotic enough.
Look at the porn videos. Look at the r rated movies. They're having radio rotic sex and you're not.
I think the theme that helps people is where they have the permission to develop erotic bridges to desire, as opposed to intimacy bridges to design where they really develop their own scenario about what would be inviting and intense for them.
[00:25:37] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:25:37] Speaker C: And don't compare it to an r rated movie or to a porn movie.
[00:25:41] Speaker B: Right.
[00:25:42] Speaker C: Compare it to who you are and what you like. And most of the time it still is partner interaction, Arousal. And the most erotic thing is in a turn down partner.
[00:25:53] Speaker B: I think that's so true, because otherwise, you know, hot sex is about these things that you do and less about who you are. It doesn't encompass the whole person or the erotic connection. And that's where, like, the hotness is. Is in that flow between two people. Unless about, like, the things that you're doing or the toys that you bring into the mix. I think that's such a common misconception people have that the only way they're going to have kinky sex is if they buy a new sex toy or try some position that they may pull a hamstring attempting to get into. And it's so much more than that.
[00:26:28] Speaker C: You know, one of the absolute worst pieces of erotic advice is to, for most people, again, everybody's different, actually. You have to respect sexual differences. And I love the line. I don't know whose line it is. It's actually one size never fits home for most people. A really bad piece of advice is to act out your erotic fantasies.
Usually when you act out your erotic fantasies, you feel self conscious and subdued.
[00:26:58] Speaker B: And it kind of de eroticizes them. Right.
[00:27:00] Speaker C: Deroticizes the fantasy. That's exactly right. And again, the message is you're not good enough. And that's a very common message in our culture. You're not erotic enough.
[00:27:10] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:27:11] Speaker C: And you compare the sex that you're feeling now that you've been in a relationship for five years or 45 years with the sex that you had in the first six months in the relationship. You can't do that. You can't get back to the limerence period.
The limerence is all about newness and breaking boundaries and idealization. When you've been with a person two years or longer, you no longer idealize it. We all have our vulnerabilities and our.
[00:27:36] Speaker B: Wards, and I think that's why so many people also think like a fair sex feels so much better because you're not, you know, taking out a mortgage together. You're not brushing your teeth together every single night. And it's that newness. It's stepping outside the line which keeps it very hot for couples. And so they assume, well, this, you know, sex with this person is going to be better than with my primary partner, and it's not just about who they're with, but the circumstances.
[00:28:03] Speaker C: Right. You would when you have an affair. An affair is like the limerence phase multiplied by three in terms of secrecy and breaking boundaries, but that for most people, we could have a whole hour on affairs. Most of the advice about affairs is not very helpful in terms of desire. The challenge for couples who are going to recover from a fear is to find a new couple sexual style that doesn't compare with the affair. You can never compare affair sex in relationship sex, it's apples and oranges.
The thing that motivates folks is to compare sex after the affair with your spouse than the sex before the affair, and that the challenge in sexual recovery is to find a new couple sexual stuff.
[00:29:00] Speaker B: And I think that's really, you know, these concepts of intimacy versus intensity get so muddled for people. I think that in the honeymoon stage of a relationship, people confuse that initial intensity for a high degree of intimacy, but it's really just intensity. And when that starts to come down a little bit, they think they're not into the person anymore, and so they'll maybe break off their relationship. And then we see the serial monogamous. Right. Who starts a new relationship all the time because they want that intensity. But really, it's an intimacy issue after a certain point.
[00:29:31] Speaker C: Well, I think what happens is that unless the eroticism is integrated into this couple style of intimacy and pleasuring, that's my mantra. It's intimacy pleasuring, eroticism. That's the integration.
Unless the eroticism is integrated, it's going to be dramatic, but it's going to be incredibly unstable.
[00:29:54] Speaker B: Right. And I always remind people too, though, that once you cross that threshold and develop a deeper level of intimacy in the relationship, when you mix that into sexuality, that. That closeness that you feel, that can be a very intense experience for people, just in a different way.
[00:30:12] Speaker C: It's in a different way. It's in a more integrated eroticism.
[00:30:15] Speaker B: Exactly.
[00:30:16] Speaker C: But the danger is the danger. Let me be specific about this. The best sex is mutual, synchronous sex. Both of you experience desire, experience pleasure, eroticism and satisfaction. By far the best sex.
But most sex is asynchronous. It's positive for both people, but it's better for one person than the other. And that's normal, too.
You want to have a view of sexuality that really fits who you are as a person, your relationship, your family, your values. It's got to integrate in who you are.
[00:30:53] Speaker B: Yes. And I think also I encourage couples to use sex within their relationship as an opportunity to discover new sides of themselves. I think that we have the capacity to kind of be so many different people if we choose to, with our partner. And I think sex can be a wonderful way to explore that for couples who are willing to take that risk. But that usually requires a high degree of vulnerability and trust.
[00:31:23] Speaker C: Would you agree, in an ongoing relationship? Absolutely.
[00:31:27] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:31:28] Speaker C: There's a very big difference between relational sex and non relational sex. And what you see again in videos and is you see basically hot couples are non relational couples. The challenge for relational couples is the balancing and the integration.
And again, if you want a specific technique, one of the most valuable techniques is this idea of bridges to sexual desire, what makes sex inviting for you in terms of initiation, in terms of touching, in terms of how the scenario plays out and in terms of arousal and orgasms. Again, people are very different about bridges to desire. But Harry, his bridges desire her bridges. And our bridges really does help coverage.
[00:32:19] Speaker B: Definitely. Definitely. Well, we will wrap this up in a moment, but before we do, I want you to talk a little bit about this new book that you have coming out in January.
[00:32:30] Speaker C: Right. So let me give you our. I love writing. Yeah, I love writing more than anything else now, except teaching professionals.
So my books are now written for the lay public.
The book that is coming out in January is called contemporary male sexuality. I rethink so much of the sex books are written for couples and are written for women, especially for women, which are wonderful. But I think it's important to talk to what is healthy male sexuality. There's a chapter in it about confronting toxic male sexuality, because that's important, too. But it's basically a book about a new model of male sexuality that emphasizes sexual equity with women and that emphasizes consent and pleasure, that emphasizes good enough sex, not perfect sexuality. It's an anti perfect performance book.
[00:33:30] Speaker B: Oh, we've been waiting for that. And ever since, you know, come as you are came out, I've been kind of waiting. All right, who's going to write, like, the male version of this book for male sexuality? Because so much has shifted. I mean, of course, over the decades, but especially in the last 510 years. And we need an updated book.
[00:33:48] Speaker C: Right. And, you know, the book about desire problems that I think is our best book is the third edition. It's called Rekindling desire. You know, one out of five american couples are sexual less than ten times a year.
It's a very common problem.
[00:34:06] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:34:07] Speaker C: And our best book for regular couples who don't have sexual dysfunction, but sort of regular couples who are trying to figure out how to integrate sex in their lives. It's called enhancing couple sexuality.
[00:34:18] Speaker B: So writing is fun on my bookshelf here.
Yeah, yeah. Well, we are so excited to get that, to see that book come out. So thank you so much for your contributions, ongoing contributions to the field, and.
[00:34:33] Speaker C: Thank you for the interview. Really enjoyed it.
[00:34:36] Speaker B: All right, well, we're going to sign off. If anyone has any follow up questions, you can send me a DM, and we'll keep the conversation going. Thank you so much, Doctor McCarthy.
[00:34:46] Speaker C: Thank you.
[00:34:48] Speaker A: Since the recording of this podcast, Doctor McCarthy recently released a new book. Doctor McCarthy, do you want to tell us a little bit about your latest project.
[00:34:57] Speaker C: We have just completed our last book, which is couple sexuality after 60. This is a book we're very, very proud of and very excited about. It should be published September 1, and it presents a new model of sexuality and aging that emphasizes that sexuality is more than intercourse, that emphasizes variable, flexible, pleasure oriented sexuality, that talks about the good enough sex model and especially emphasizes female male sexual equity. The good news is you can be sexual in your sixties, seventies, and eighties. The bad news is, is that people stop being sexual, usually at the man's choice, because he's lost comfort and confidence with erections and intercourse. You can have healthy, satisfying sexuality in your sixties, seventies and eighties.
[00:35:55] Speaker A: Thank you so much for tuning into today's episode of sex and love with me, doctor Emily Jamia. If you enjoyed this episode, don't forget to, like, subscribe and share with a friend or partner. I release an episode every other Monday. You can find me on Instagram, Facebook and TikTok dremeliejamia. If you and your partner are struggling with emotional and sexual intimacy, check out my online workshop, available at www.emilyjamia.com. see you guys next time on sex and love.
