Episode Transcript
[00:00:03] Speaker A: A lot of times the lower desire partner is the one in control. And so I'm wondering if somehow through the moving in process, he felt like he gave up some kind of control or autonomy. I think that's something really worth exploring with him.
You're listening to love and libido with me, your host, doctor Emily Jamia. The goal of this podcast is to educate and inspire. My hope is that you will learn tools to create connection and culture. Cultivate passion both within yourself and in your relationships. Here's what's coming up on today's episode.
It's q and a day. Today I answer questions about how to revive the romantic and sexual connection amidst life with toddlers, what to do if you've fallen into the roommate stage with your partner, and how to get your partner to give and receive more oral sex. Let's get started.
[00:00:57] Speaker B: My husband and I have been married for seven years. His love language is physical affection and mine is words of affirmation. So we've never really been on the same wavelength as far as sex goes.
Over the last couple of years, we've kind of hit a rough patch with being unhappy with our jobs, financial stress, and just working through our own mental health issues on top of having two toddlers. When I was diagnosed with ADHD, I also had postpartum anxiety, and I know that was a rough few months for him. Now I'm on the right track. It seems that he shut down in most states. He just, it gets home from work, sits on the couch, and plays on his phone. So I don't get much help. I don't say anything because I feel guilty about the months that I was shut down, and he was the one that carrying most of the load. I could go on and on about how I feel, but it's like pulling teeth to get him to talk to me. We're kind of just in survival mode. How do we reconnect sexually and emotionally and thrive in this new stage of life when we're both so mentally and physically exhausted and one of us is working literally 95% of the time?
[00:01:55] Speaker A: What a question. Thank you so, so much for sharing your story because I know that so many people are going to relate to what you had to say. And that's really why I wanted to start these segments, because I'm just of the mind that nothing connects us more than hearing from other people. And so thank you again for sharing that.
First, my heart just goes out to you. You are dealing with a lot. You've had two toddlers during a global pandemic you are trying to find treatment for your mental health. You are experiencing career dissatisfaction and financial stress. That is a lot for any one person to go through. So first, I want to normalize your experience.
Research shows that marital satisfaction can go down by about 70% in the period after having kids. So you are not alone there. The good news is that for couples who can write it out and who have otherwise pretty good relationship skills, that satisfaction tends to go back up once the kids are a little bit older and more self sufficient. And then, of course, there are couples who maintain pretty high levels of, you know, relationship and sexual satisfaction while having young kids. But for the general population, relationships can kind of suffer when you've got young kids at home for a multitude of reasons.
You know, plus the mental health issues that you're experiencing and the other stressors you've got going on, those are going to have a natural effect on sex. You know, anyone who's dealing with just one of the things that you described is likely to experience a dip in their sexual desire. I always remind people that desire is so complex, it is multifaceted. It is affected by so many different things or combinations of factors. And you've identified, like, five different things you've got going on in your life that are gonna have a natural effect on your libido or on your partner's libido. So I want you to practice a lot of self compassion. I think that's gonna be the most important thing right off the bat, is to be gentle with yourself through this process. You used the word guilt in your question, and guilt is something that so many moms struggle with. But I think this is where self compassion really comes into play. You want to create some space for you to get through the experience that you're going through, because it is a process, and it's going to take some time.
I don't know many couples who would be going through what you're going through and not experiencing experience a dip in relationship satisfaction or in sexual connection.
So, all that being said, I want to ask you a little bit more. My question to you would be, what was your husband's support like for you in the postpartum period? The postpartum period is one of the most challenging times in any woman's life, and really, it's important that the mother's and the baby's needs are. Are taken care of first. So I come back to telling you that I really want you to stop feeling guilty or selfish. Unfortunately, this still isn't something that is talked about very much.
You know, I wish that OBS would talk to partners a little bit about what to expect after a baby is born. There's so much focus on prenatal care, and I think that doctors have a really great opportunity to talk to partners about how they can be supportive of their partner, of the mother during the postpartum period and also remind them that while it's normal for their needs to take a back seat for a period of time, that that's usually temporary.
So I just kind of want to know. I'm curious what his support was like of you and the baby in those, you know, early weeks after you had your kids.
Now, you do acknowledge that it was a rough few months for him. And I guess I'm also wondering if you've expressed that to him out loud.
It might go a long way to validate his feelings. You know, just saying something like, hey, I know that I really wasn't available to you for 6812 months after I had the babies, and that it was really challenging because I was trying to figure. Figure out my postpartum anxiety and my ADHD. And I just want to let you know that I see that and that I feel that.
I think a lot of times when conflict persists, it's because one or the other partner doesn't really feel seen or heard. Now, of course, I come back to what I was saying earlier, that it was normal for his needs to take a backseat for a little while. But, you know, I think that just acknowledging that that might have been a hard time for him could go a long way.
I also wonder. I'm wondering, like, what his social support has been like. I wonder if he's connected with other dads or talked to anyone else.
I'm just wondering if he knows that it's normal, that there's kind of a dip in partners needs being taken care of during this time and that it's usually temporary.
As you're seeing now, it sounds like you're finally, to an extent, coming up for air and ready to reestablish a healthier connection in your relationship.
And I hear that the issue now is that he doesn't really seem available.
You said that you felt guilty about when he wasn't getting much help from you. You were taking care of a new baby and trying to keep yourself afloat.
I struggled with postpartum anxiety myself, and it is so, so hard. I mean, I remember periods feeling like I was just underwater. And, you know, it's interesting because I think we hear about postpartum depression, but people don't talk about postpartum anxiety that much. And I'm glad that you're sharing your story. And I'm happy to use this platform to share my story as well, because it was a really, really challenging time and I had to get help as well.
So I think that when you do sit down with your husband, you know, just sharing with him a little bit more about what that was like for you and what your feelings were during that time could help him get a little bit more insight as to why you just weren't available to him for a while.
I'm also hearing that a lot of managing things around the house has fallen on your shoulders. So it is super common for women to deal with issues around what we call invisible labor. And what this means is that in addition to working full time, which it sounds like you are, and maybe being the primary person who's taking care of the kids, that everything else as it relates to, like, managing the household or planning, like, dates or trips or, you know, landing a babysitter, all that kind of stuff, tends to fall on the woman's shoulder. So in addition to everything else you've got going on, you're the one meal planning. You're the one making sure you got a gift for his mother. You're the one, you know, doing all the clothes shopping for the kids. You're the one making sure you registered them for school. And so there's just like this never ending to do list on the minds of a lot of women. And we refer to that as invisible labor because it's not something that anyone can see.
It also tends to fall on women to maintain the emotional climate of their relationship.
And I'm hearing that you're shouldering the responsibility for that. You are kind of blaming yourself for the disconnection that you and your partner are experiencing.
You're blaming the fact that you were figuring out your adhd and getting treatment for anxiety.
And it's a really unfortunate stereotype that it tends to fall on the woman's shoulder to kind of maintain homeostasis and emotional balance in the relationship. But I think that, you know, by talking to your partner, which I'll give you some tips on how to do that, about how he may help take some of the weight off of you, could go a really long way. And so I don't want you to feel like you have to do it all on your own.
It's super important to have an equitable partnership.
Okay, so here's my advice on getting him to open up to you.
Wait for a window when you do feel a little glimmer of connection. Maybe you guys share a moment when you're giving the kids a bath at night, or maybe you're cuddling in bed together before falling asleep. Just wait for a little window. I bet if you look hard enough, you can find one. Make sure that he seems relaxed and that he's not distracted on his phone and open by telling him how great it feels to be connected. And then tell him that you want to experience it more, that you are longing for that connection. And see then if he'd be willing to sit down with you and talk about how to do that. I find that when we approach our partners, when they're already in that shutdown mode, it tends to push them away even more or make them get defensive versus when we try to approach them during a period where there's already a little bit of connection, their defenses are down because they can feel in that moment what it's like to be connected. And I would be. I would be willing to bet my money that he'd be a little bit more receptive if you approach him at a time like that. I also want to encourage you to go back to the last episode I aired on the podcast for how to manage relationships and your sex life while living with ADHD. It sounds like this is a new diagnosis for you and my guest.
She had a lot of great advice, but one thing she advised, and I think this is going to be especially true for you and your partner because you've got the kids, you've got your jobs, you've got a lot going on. She said to sit down each week and talk about everything that needs to get done that week and make sure you divide everything up equally. And so I would definitely encourage you to go back and listen to that episode for some good tips.
Kudos to you for valuing your marriage, your relationship, and your sex life enough to reach out here on the podcast. I want to again thank you for sharing your story. I hope some of these tips help and I wish you the best of luck.
I want to take a moment to tell you about an incredible app called mjoy. Emjoy is an app for women who want to learn how to have consistent orgasms, boost their libido, experience, body acceptance, have killer self esteem, and healthier relationships. Join the hundreds of thousands of women who've already benefited from all that Emjoy has to offer. Click the link in the show notes to claim your free 14 day free trial. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain, so our next question was an email submission, and the subscriber writes, what is the best way to discuss having a need for giving and receiving oral sex? Is it a need or a really strong desire?
So this is a great question. I want to answer the second part of your question first.
It's not a need. It's a really strong desire. So a lot of times we think that sex might feel like a need. It might feel like you're gonna die if you don't have it, but you won't. At the end of the day, no one ever died because they didn't have sex. And no one ever died because they didn't have sex in a specific way. So what you're describing is a really strong desire. We think of sexual desire less as a drive, the way, like hunger, thirst, and sleep are biological drives, and more as a biological motivational system. So we are motivated to seek out a sexual interaction, typically based on a number of factors, but it is more of a motivation and less of a true need or drive.
So, that being said, there may be different kinds of things sexually that are really, really important for you. And it sounds like giving and receiving oral sex is something that matters, and you'd really like to enjoy that. And so you ask, what is the best way to discuss this with my partner, the best way I would discuss it is actually not when you're in bed together. I would pick a time when you're maybe sharing a meal together, able to focus on each other 100% and, you know, begin by telling them how much you value your sexual interaction and how meaningful it is to you, and that you'd like to talk to them about incorporating some more things into the act and ask if they'd be willing to have that conversation. Just setting the conversation up that way minimizes the risk of their guard going up or their defenses going up. It also minimizes the risk that they'll feel uncomfortable with whatever you are proposing in that moment, because you've asked them if they're willing to have that conversation, and then you can gently tell them what it is that you would like to try. In this case, you'd like to do more giving and receiving of oral sex. And if their automatic reaction is no, ask them to be a little bit curious as to why that might be, and you be curious about why they have that no reaction. Ask them what it is about that act that seems like it might be a turn off for them. A lot of people think about are coming into a sexual experience or have ideas about a specific sexual act that are based on a lot of preconceived notions or ideas rather than actual experiences. So, for example, if we're looking at the way, like, oral sex is depicted in porn, blow jobs, and more specifically, and really more specifically, when a female is giving a male a blowjob, a lot of times we see a lot of deep throat action. It appears really violent. Maybe he's ejaculating on her face. And a lot of women might look at that and say, hell no, I don't want to do that. And so you can use this as an opportunity to talk to your partner about how you would like to receive oral sex or see how they might be willing to give you oral sex in a way that feels more mutually satisfying or more mutually pleasurable.
Conversely, a lot of women tend to have hang ups about receiving oral sex themselves. A lot of times, women feel a little bit insecure about how their vulva appears or how they might taste or how they might smell. And that's in part because there's a lot of products out there on the market that play into women's insecurities. You can walk down any feminine hygiene aisle and just about any drugstores. Drugstore. And you will see all kinds of products designed to mask feminine odor. You'll find douches. You'll find all kinds of things. And so I think reassuring your partner that there is assuming, maybe, I don't know, you didn't say your sexual orientation or who your partner is, but I want to speak to both kind of some common insecurities that men experience. Some common insecurities that women experience. Just so I can make sure to check all the boxes here. But you can reassure your partner that there is nothing to be ashamed of, that you have no problem with how they look or taste. And you could also point him or her in the direction of, you know, a healthy resource. There's some good, like, online resources, maybe I'll try to link some in the show notes that, you know, show all different kinds of vulvas. A lot of women are insecure about the appearance of their vulva. So there's, like, online photo libraries of vulvas so that women will feel like they do, in fact, look normal, which 99.99% of women, I think do. And even the 0.1% who maybe looks a little bit different. There's nothing wrong with them.
We have to account for individual differences, and there's all kinds of variations in shape and color and size. And so I think it's just really important to know that, and a lot of people don't.
And so all that to be said, once you have maybe work to understand what might be going on for your partner that is inhibiting them or making them feel limited, you want to then ask, okay, is your automatic no still an official no? Or is it maybe like a maybe? I'll try, you know, and see if that no might turn into a maybe. And let them know that with a little bit of experimentation and with an open mind and staying curious that you guys might find that it's something you actually enjoy. And if you don't, then that's okay, too. And if you ultimately decide that having a partner that isn't willing to engage in oral sex is a deal breaker for you because it's something that is a really important part of the sexual experience, then you know that's something that you'll have to think about. So I hope that helps answer your question. Thank you so much for submitting it.
Our final question of the day came through the loveandlabiedo.com website. Hi, I'm a TikTok follower that is going through the, quote, roommate phase or so I think. I'm a 24 year old female and have been with my boyfriend for five years. We moved in together in January 2021, and I really thought our sex life would be off the walls. We are both very sexually attracted to one another, but sadly, he has a problem. He masturbates to the point our sex life has been ruined. It's hard to even get him started or aroused because he's so used to doing it himself. In the past year, we've probably had sex ten times, and I am a very sexual person. In those ten times, not once has he cared about my needs or even if I've finished. All he cares about are his. I've brought up couples counseling and sexual help that he isn't about it. I'm to the point I want to leave the relationship, but the love that's still there is holding us together. I love this man dearly, but after a while, I cheated. I stepped out of our relationship and slept with an ex. I feel guilty and ashamed of myself, but I keep justifying it. Please help me. Please direct me down a path that brings my boyfriend and I together in a healthy sexual way.
Okay, so, hello to my TikTok follower. So this person, I think, is responding to a TikTok I put on about slipping into the roommate phase, which I know is so common because the video went viral. So there are a lot of reasons why this happens to couples, but probably the biggest one is complacency. We have to work as hard to maintain the erotic connection as we do the friendship connection and the romantic connection with our partners. Now, you mentioned his low sexual desire since moving in, but you also mention his masturbation habits. So he's experiencing what we call situational low desire, meaning his desire isn't low across the board just for partnered sex with you. So why is that? I wonder what you would say. Or rather, I wonder what he would say changed so drastically after you moved in together.
I'm wondering if you guys went from getting all dressed up every time you went out to maybe schlepping around in your sweats every day. Did he maybe have to give up all his furniture to accommodate your style? I wonder if he for some reason, feels like moving in together came at some kind of cost for him, and withholding sex is maybe his way of holding on to something that is just for him. A lot of times, the lower desire partner is the one in control. And so I'm wondering if somehow, through the moving in process, he felt like he gave up some kind of control or autonomy. I think that's something really worth exploring with him.
I want you to think about what might have happened that snuffed the erotic flame.
I also think it's really important that the two of you have a conversation about how much value you place on sex within a romantic relationship.
You know, couples run into a lot of problems when one person places a high value on partnered sex and the other person doesn't. Most couples have a little bit of a higher desire and lower desire partner, but they tend to experience a lot of issues when there's a really wide gap, which it sounds like is the case for you and your boyfriend.
You say you still love him, but I want you to ask yourself if it's more of an attachment to him than it is a persistent romantic love. You're saying that he doesn't seem to care about your sexual needs, that he's unwilling to seek counseling, and you've already cheated.
And so I just wonder if what you're longing for, rather what you're holding on to is more the familiarity of your relationship with him and less maybe about the romantic love. Because I'm hearing from everything that you're saying that I know you think and you feel like it's still there, and I'm sure you still care deeply for him, or else you wouldn't have sought some help.
But it sounds like there's a lot of disconnect in your relationship. So a lot of people cheat because they are longing to get in touch with a part of themselves that they've become disconnected from. And it sounds like that was the case here. You are a sexual being. You say that you own that in your email to me and you don't want to deny yourself that. So cheating, of course, is never the ideal way to get that need met.
You know, if you want to salvage your relationship, you may want to consider talking to your partner about consensual non monogamy. Or you might want to work on developing the courage to leave if you feel like he is completely unwilling to work on the relationship.
You know, I will say that to an extent there are changes that one person can make that will benefit the relationship as a whole whole. But really, the prognosis is much better when both people roll up their sleeves and do the work that needs to be done to salvage the relationship. I get it. It's really, really hard to leave a relationship that you've invested five years of your life in. But if he's unwilling to grow with you and to do the hard work required to maintain the spark, you need to consider whether he's the best long term match. I really hope that it gave you some things to think about and maybe some conversation starters. I hope that helps, and I wish you the best of luck.
[00:26:26] Speaker C: Thanks again for listening to love and Libido with me, your host, Doctor Emily Jamia. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe and drop me a five star review share with a friend who might find it interesting. As much as we can learn from experts, nothing makes us feel more connected than hearing from each other.
[00:26:44] Speaker A: If you have a story that relates.
[00:26:45] Speaker C: To today's episode, or just a general question about sex or your relationship, visit loveandlabedo.com and I'll share it on an upcoming episode. Be sure to visit my website, emilyjamia.com, to see my latest blogs and to check out my online workshop. Subscribers to my podcast can use code halfoff. Finally, you can follow me across all the social media channels for daily sex and relationships. Chip tips at Dr. Emily Jamia thank you so much for tuning in.
