Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Is that going to ruin our sexual relationship? Is he now going to just only see that? And so I had those fears and I had those thoughts. And it's so interesting to think that, you know, again, being in a secure and safe long term relationship, how you can do something like that and go on to continue to have some of the best sex you've ever had in your life and the best intimacy in your life. And that, to me, solidifies why now we're going on 23 years together.
[00:00:31] Speaker B: Today I had the absolute pleasure of.
[00:00:33] Speaker C: Sitting down with celebrity television host Samantha Harris. Samantha was at the top of her game, hosting Dancing with the Stars when she experienced a health crisis that stopped her dead in her tracks. Her story was one of the most beautiful I have heard on how intimacy can deepen and how sex can actually improve after navigating a crisis effectively as a couple. Every couple can learn from how she and her wonderful husband work together to overcome the painful aftermath of her recovery. She candidly shares tips on how they reconnected, not just emotionally, but sexually as she healed. Believe me, you'll want to take notes. Without further ado, let's dive in.
[00:01:15] Speaker B: Hello, Samantha, and welcome to the show.
[00:01:18] Speaker A: Emily, I'm so glad to be here with you. I just, I love listening to you. I love your insight and all the amazing content too that you put out through the podcast, but also through your instagram reels. So thank you.
[00:01:29] Speaker B: Thank you. And you too, likewise. I just think that everything you're doing to help women lead healthier lives and just be a beacon of light for women who are struggling with health issues and concerns, which is something we're going to dive into today. And I can't wait. So without further ado, let's get into it. You are kicking butt in the entertainment industry. You're hosting all these shows, dancing with the Stars, entertainment Tonight. You turn 40 and your life changed. What happened?
[00:01:59] Speaker A: It's like it came to a screeching halt. Here I was not just on top of my game, but also healthier and more fit than I had ever been, or so I thought. And my dad had died of colon cancer when he was just 50. And I saw that now just a decade in my future, right? Because I was 40, my daughters were three and six. And so I thought, you know, I should set a baseline, get a mammogram. I did. Results came back clear, which I expected.
But then I was changing after a workout eleven days later. And you know how tight those sports bras are. You take them off after all that breast compression and you just need to sort of like, circle the girls to the left and to the right, move them around a bit. And as I was doing that, I felt a lump. Now, I had breastfed both my kids, and obviously now, being in my thirties and forties, I was much more comfortable touching my breasts, both sexually, as well as just having to, just on a daily basis for a variety of ways to manhandle them. So I knew my boots well, and there was this lump, and I just thought, well, it's not cancer because I just had a clear mammogram. But you know what? I'll call my Ob Gyn. Went to see her. She did a quick clinical exam, because, of course, that was the only doctor who ever did that quick annual breast exam, right? She said, oh, it's nothing. Welcome to 40 lumpy boobs. So here I was. I thought, okay, fine. A month later, lump was still there. And I thought, you know, it's not cancer, but let's just get a second opinion. So I saw my internist. He did the quick clinical exam, felt around, said, eh, I don't think it's anything. If you're worried, we'll keep an eye on it. And he said, it's nothing, and sent me on my way. Four months later, lump's still there. Now that inner voice is shouting at me, and I had to sit up and take notice. And so I had this epiphany of, okay, if I'm going to live with this, quote, nothing lump for the rest of my life, I should make sure it's really nothing by having some diagnostics. So I went to see the only doctor who looks at breasts as a profession every day, and that is a breast oncologist. So there I was in a breast cancer ward having two ultrasounds and a needle biopsy and a subsequent MRI. And we found that it wasn't, quote, cancer, but we didn't know what it was. So she suggested I had a lumpectomy. We took it out, woke up from surgery, still reassured, no cancer. So a week later, I went for my final pathology results. I told my husband, who had been there with me for every step, don't worry about it. It's not cancer. Stay home with the kids, go golf, I don't care. Just don't be in a dark, dingy doctor's office while I'm getting these results and they're looking at my incision. And so then I sat there alone, as this oncologist said I had ductal carcinoma in situ, which is DCIS. It's cancer that's contained within the duct and not smart enough to get out. But it was also invasive, which meant a part of it was smart enough and got out. We still thought I caught it really early. I saw three surgical oncologists within about a week and a half's time to get a protocol to figure out my options. I saw a second pathologist to make sure everything we were basing it on was actually. And it was. So it turns out that actually, after I ultimately chose to do a double mastectomy with two stage reconstruction, so I had three surgeries in 2014.
We found out that not only was it invasive, but it actually had spread to a lymph node. And all of a sudden, I was restaged to two b of breast cancer. And really, it was a shattering moment that crushed my soul in every way that I never thought it could. This positive, happy go lucky girl all of a sudden was riddled with anxiety and overwhelm and fear. My daughters, again, were three and six. I wanted to be here for a long life. And here I saw my dad die at 50, which was not in the too distant future, and I was only 40. I wanted to be around for them to grow up in their teen years and their weddings and know my grandkids. So a lot of fear overtook me. And then I had to sit up and change, which we can talk about.
[00:06:16] Speaker B: I mean, first and foremost, thank you for sharing your story. I got chills, like, three times as I was listening to you talk. And, you know, I think the most important thing that I want people to get from this so far is to listen to that inner voice. I mean, we have to be our own advocate when it comes to our health, because women in particular, even by female doctors, still get dismissed and not taken seriously. And this is even more true for women of color. And sometimes we just have to push and keep knocking on doors to get the answers we need to hopefully feel reassured or, in your case, get the correct diagnostic results. So what happened at that point? You find out it's gone to the lymph nodes, and you've got these two little girls, your husband, your career. Like, what happens? You realize you gotta make a change. What started to change for you?
[00:07:09] Speaker A: The feeling of overwhelm was so crushing. And I didn't know how much longer this cancer journey was going to be. Was it months? Was it years?
Did I have years to live? I was still trying to figure it all out, and I took, I guess, just there was almost, like, this clear moment that came into my head. I don't know. Now it is one of the pillars of living your healthiest, healthy life that I share with others. But at the time, it just came to me, and it was, I need to flip my perspective. I need to not feel like this. Therefore, I need to start to look at everything with a positive focus, not rose colored glasses. Don't stick my head in the sand.
[00:07:50] Speaker B: But.
[00:07:50] Speaker A: But how can I flip the script on myself? And dealing with. Everyone deals with stress and anxiety and overwhelm to some degree or another. Whether it's from a diagnosis, it's work overwhelm, it's family life, work life balance, all of the different things that come into play.
So how do we flip the script on ourselves? Well, first of all, finding positivity, one of the biggest things is positive self talk. And literally, that means whether it's in your head or saying out loud, which I find the most powerful.
[00:08:19] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:08:20] Speaker A: How can we flip the script? Okay, so here I was with this cancer diagnosis. What's positive? So the positive self talk sort of went like this. Okay, well, you're in otherwise really great shape, and otherwise great health. That's great, Samantha, because that's going to make complications in surgery less. It's going to make you bounce back from surgery faster. Okay, good. Keep going. What else is positive? All right, well, I have an amazing support network with my husband and my mom and my sister and all of my people around me.
[00:08:48] Speaker B: Great.
[00:08:48] Speaker A: What else is great? I have great insurance. So all of a sudden, all these things that kept coming at me, even the thought of, well, then why was I exercising regularly? I just want to curl up and eat bon bons and forget exercising or doing anything healthy ever again.
And then I remembered the positive side of that, because I did those things. I knew my body well. I was able to find the lump because I did all of those healthy lifestyle choices, and I turned it around and become even healthier since. And that's what I share with everybody now. But because of that, I hopefully was able to slow the progression of this disease so that when I finally was diagnosed, it wasn't as advanced as perhaps it could have been. So that allowed me to continue to compel myself to seek a healthy lifestyle. But you hit on two really important things that I always talk about. Number one, it is so important to know your own body. And the second is to be your own best health advocate. How do we know our own body? Well, we have to move it. We have to nourish it properly. We have to deal with stress, and we have to have time for self care, because otherwise we can't notice those changes. To hear the inner voice yelling at us, no matter how loud it is. If the noise around us is louder, it's not going to help.
[00:10:09] Speaker B: And women are notorious for taking care of everybody else except for themselves.
[00:10:13] Speaker A: We always put ourselves last on the to do list. And I think part of it, and I know a lot of women, as I've reached out to women to talk to them. And when I open for myself, too. We oftentimes think that self care is selfish. I know I sure did. I thought it was so selfish. How can I possibly put my workout or the food that I want to go to a specific restaurant that everyone else wants to go to get the junk, but I want to go get the restaurant where I can know I can get a really colorful salad and lots of plant based food. And that's selfish of me. So I should just give in to what they want to do, or I shouldn't work out because they want me to go to here and there? No. When you prioritize your own health, you are then selfless because you're then better available to take care of everyone who needs you. If we. It's the oxygen mask right on the plane. You got to put yourself first.
[00:11:03] Speaker B: Yeah, totally agree. And what about that inner voice? What is your advice for women who are. Or ignoring it or not paying attention to it or minimizing it? Like how, how should women know when they need to give it the attention that it deserves first?
[00:11:18] Speaker A: I think that we often diminish our inner voice and we kind of disregard it because we don't wanna be the squeaky wheel. We don't wanna cause a problem, right? As women, we are kind of conditioned to be people pleasers and don't cause a fuss. If you're loud or you're pushing the doctor, you're going to be thought of as less than for some reason. And so we have to have that confidence in ourselves to give ourselves the light and the grace to be vocal. You don't have to be obnoxious about it. There's a nice way to go about right about everything, but don't be quiet because you're afraid to cause a ruckus or you're afraid to make a wave. So that's, I think, number one, you know, the other things that are part of that whole process is just the more we are focusing on our health and wellness, the more. And taking care of ourselves with that self care. And we'll get into some of those facets and elements that really are action steps you guys can start doing today if you're listening, but is to. Once we start to focus on that self care, we'll become more confident that what we're noticing is something different. But I think fear is the other thing that why we don't speak up. If we notice something and we're too afraid of what that outcome is going to be, we then say, you know what? I'm just going to back off. I'm not going to seek the answers. My suggestion is always seek the answers. It is better to know and then make an informed decision. If you don't want to deal with it, then okay, fine. You don't have to. But to catch something before it's too late is always a better option.
[00:12:58] Speaker B: Yeah. And I love how you were describing the reframe that you had to do and the balance between. It's not rose colored glasses, it's not sticking your head in the sand, but it's asking yourself a key question. And I don't know if you're familiar with Susan David and her work on emotional agility, but you did exactly what she advises people to do is, which is to ask themselves the question, but what else am I? We've got this thing that we're struggling with, this problem, this obstacle, this hurdle, this concern, this anxiety. But what else am I? And that's exactly what you did. You looked at the bigger picture. You stepped back and looked at the whole perspective so that you could see, yes, I am healthy in other ways. I have good insurance. I have a support network. Like, I have all these other things, and that will go a long way. And I think, helping people draw strength. I write about her work in. In this book I have coming out because it's really one of the cornerstones, I think, of resilience, which is key for healthy long term relationships and good sex. Like, we're going to have these hurdles come up in, but couples who figure out how to work around them are the ones that sustain long term happiness and passion, as opposed to people who maybe would have just curled up and eaten bonbons all day. So I'd love to hear a little bit more about that part of your journey. So at this point, you had been with your husband for ten years. You're now, I think you said you just celebrated 20 years. You're about to celebrate 20 years.
[00:14:27] Speaker A: Yeah, we just celebrated 20 years. We've been together three years. Thank you. Yeah.
[00:14:32] Speaker B: So you've been together. You've got these two little girls and then you're hit with breast cancer. What was that like within your relationship?
[00:14:41] Speaker A: You know, it was very, very challenging in some ways and also incredibly bonding and expanding in other ways. You know, you don't realize when you say till death do us part, you know, in, you know, and in sickness and in health, and you say all these words as you're getting married and you realize as, of course, you're going. Going through a hardship or in this case, a diagnosis, just how much you need to lean on each other. The fact that he missed because I told him not to come to that appointment when I was diagnosed, and then he did not miss another appointment after that. Even if I said don't come, he still came. I was in the hospital after my mastectomy for five nights, and he slept sitting up, and he's six foot five, sitting up in a chair, not comfortable.
My sister came in town. She took a couple nights so he could be with the kids as well, and they kind of shared those duties. And you realize just how much you need to be able to lean on each other. I mean, you know, it's true love when after all that anesthesia and you can't poop. Giving someone you love an enema is. Is true love. Okay, that's TMI for anyone listening, but that's how.
[00:15:50] Speaker B: And that should be worked into the vowels, like through constipation or not, right?
[00:15:55] Speaker A: Exactly. You know, and I remember even thinking, and I know, well, you know, you talk, you cover so much about sexuality and sexual relationships. I remember thinking, well, if he. If he has to do this for me, because I can't physically, because of all my stitches and everything, I can't give myself this enema that I need. And he does this for me, and he sees me in this way, lying on my side, you know, but whatever.
Is that going to ruin our sexual relationship? Is he now going to just only see that? And so I had those fears and I had those thoughts. And it's so interesting to think that, you know, again, being in a secure and safe long term relationship, how you can do something like that and go on to continue to have some of the best sex you've ever had in your life and the best intimacy in your life. And that, to me, solidifies why now we're going on 23 years together. Nothing like an enemy.
[00:16:53] Speaker B: How many times can I get chills in one interview? But, yeah, that's like another four or five times. And tears came to my eyes listening to you talk about that, because what you're describing is also, what is reflected in the research. So couples who sustain long term passion, most of them have gone through really challenging times in their relationships, but it's the ones who wrote it out and had the tools and to your point, that safe, secure attachment to one another who come out on the other end. You know, a lot of my research participants had gone through health scares or even had chronic health conditions that they were still managing. But they and their partners had figured out ways to, again, change their perspective, change the mindset, reframe it as something that deepens and expands. I love that you used that word. Expands the relationship as opposed to hinders it or deroticizes it in any way. So tell me more, if you don't mind sharing what you noticed about how sex improved as you recovered and you guys started making your way out of this scary time in your life.
[00:17:59] Speaker A: I think, look, obviously for women, our breasts are a big sex organ. They define, in many ways, our sexuality. So as a breast cancer patient, especially exploring some sort of severe surgery like a mastectomy, where you are literally having your breasts removed, there's so much emotion that goes with that. There's so much fear in, will I still feel like a woman? Will I still feel sexy? Will I still feel wanted? And we have so, and this is something that every, every woman who's gone through a breast cancer surgery, who I've had the pleasure of being able to explore and confide in and share with, we all seem to have. And anyone who's listening, by the way, anyone who's listening, who's going through any of this, please do reach out to me. I get back it sometimes it takes a little bit of time, but through my social media, Instagram, and Facebook, I do respond to every, especially every breast cancer survivor. But pretty much I try to get to all of these because I think it's really important to know that you're not alone, that there are many women that you can talk to. I mean, it helped me so much when I had just come out of my mastectomy. I was about two weeks out, and I had two women survivors who'd come over to my house. They brought over lunch, and we were in our backyard in the open, and they lifted up their shirts and they showed me their scars and they showed me, and we talked about all the one had no more nipples left. I was able to have nipples smell, and thankfully, they survived. There's no feeling in my breasts, but at least visually, I can look in the mirror and I can see that I still feel like I have that. I had implants put back in, and to maintain that feeling, we have to figure out what's right for us. I know women who said, you know what, I don't even want the implants. I'm going completely flat and embracing that, and it's so gorgeous and beautiful. I know women who've had the nipple tattoos put back on so they feel like they have some visual symmetry, more for themselves in the mirror. Right. So we have to explore what's right for us, because if we don't feel as whole as we possibly can after something that has been not just a devastating diagnosis, but a devastating physicality and physical change, but even though it's devastating, we don't have to be devastated, if that makes sense.
[00:20:19] Speaker B: Exactly. And, yeah, and that's that. It comes back to what I was saying about emotional agility and also self compassion, like when you see your struggle rather than something that is all consuming as part of the human experience. And I love that from the get go, you surrounded yourself with other breast cancer thrivers and people who could support you and uplift you and make you feel less alone in your struggle, because I think that's what gets a lot of people down and prevents people from adapting to some of these changes and moving on with their life, is that they feel really alone. I think the ability to be vulnerable, not just with ourselves and our partner, but with our community, is really what creates that sense of interconnectedness that will keep us going strong. And this is the case not just for someone who's got breast cancer, but any health concern, any, because it happens as we age, whether it's to you or your partner. I mean, the chances of someone having a health issue at some point are pretty high. It really comes down to how you learn to navigate that as a team that's going to make or break the relationship, I think so. There's a lot to learn from your story. It's like, I wish I had interviewed you before I wrote the book because everything you're saying is what I write about.
[00:21:33] Speaker A: I think that's so important. It's so important for people to see and I think to dive a little deeper into the psychological that goes on with losing your breasts. Here I was someone.
I was someone who waited up sex until I was in my mid twenties. I was very, very picky and careful with how I. I allowed my sexuality with a partner to be. I really wanted to be in a safe space with someone who was safe and was going to be there, and I'd wake up the next day, and they were still there. So I had a very long time of needing to figure out what else on my body could be aroused. And for me, that was my breasts. And I loved the interplay and the arousal that I could have just from breastplate. And that was really awesome. It really got me right through the, you know, my early twenties, and I. And I loved that. And here I was looking straight ahead at having those cut off of my body. And yes, I was 40, and yes, obviously I'd had sex. I had two kids already, but I loved what they offered me. I loved. I mean, it was. It was. They were. It was just awesome. Like, I will say, I do miss them.
[00:22:45] Speaker B: Yeah, I get that.
[00:22:46] Speaker A: So there was this almost this sadness in knowing, going into a double mastectomy, that I would have no feeling in my chest wall again. And even if I was lucky enough to keep my nipples as I was, there would very likely 99% chance be no feeling.
And so as the nerves started to regenerate a little bit, the feeling that I get is not comfortable. It's actually an uncomfortable feeling, almost.
[00:23:12] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:23:12] Speaker A: And here is where flipping the script really helped. Instead of focusing on, I can't believe I'm not going to have my breasts as part of my sexual being, physically and for arousal purposes any longer, I went, no, no, but this is o. It's not okay. I don't want it, but it's going to be okay. Because first of all, thank goodness, the rest of me is working great. And that focus of just even the feeling of a hand brushing up a leg or on an arm or across my back or on my stomach, or even I can feel right between my breasts, like, literally the center line and my neck. And all of a sudden, I really focused in on all the other amazing parts of my body that could tap into arousal, that could tap into that sexual connection and that physical connection and that body to body, the skin to skin, it really helped me get through.
Am I over the fact that I don't have them?
[00:24:14] Speaker B: No.
[00:24:15] Speaker A: I mean, I still miss them, but I am through that. And I have discovered an amazing sexual awakening in my now, you know, I'm 50 now that I didn't realize could be there, especially without breasts. And that's exciting.
[00:24:30] Speaker B: Yeah. And what I think is so cool about that is you probably discovered things about yourself that you never would have had you not gone through this. You know, I think that so many couples are guilty of skipping straight to the genitals or the breast when it comes to sex. And we have this entire body that's full of erogenous zones and the brain is malleable. So, yes, for the majority of your life, you had this brain boob connection, which was wonderful. And yes, you gave yourself the time and space to grieve that loss, but you also thought outside the box and you were resilient, and you adapted to some of the changes that took place and used it as an opportunity to explore different parts of yourself. And guess what? The brain regenerated some of these pleasure pathways or turned them on or created them maybe for the first time in a way that's led to really satisfying sex here ten years later.
[00:25:22] Speaker A: I love that. And I think that's so important, too, to also highlight how important being in a safe and committed relationship where you feel safe to communicate and not afraid, are we as women to take our sexuality back in a society where it's all about the men and them getting off, how they want to get off, when they want to, as fast as they want to, and not necessarily caring about the women? I think, thankfully, we're starting as a female population to be like, wait, hold on a second here. We deserve a lot.
We're the ones who have to carry the kids if we decide to go down that path, so therefore, we should actually even more. But being able to have that confidence in ourselves that we can communicate, hey, this is what really gets me. And really, when you start to communicate that to your significant other, whether it's a male partner or a female partner, then you're able to say, you know what? This is going to benefit you as well. Because if I'm happy and I'm getting this, you're going to get a lot of action. So let's make this work for everybody.
[00:26:30] Speaker B: Exactly. I love that. So what was Michael like through this process? So you're, you know, you're communicating with him, you all are talking, he's been right by your side the whole time, and you reach a place where you're starting to wake things up again sexually, and it's different. What were things like? Like, what did he do right on his end that other people listening can take some notes on?
[00:26:52] Speaker A: I think first and foremost, he let me lead.
I shouldn't say let me lead. He was always good, but he was okay and confident, even as the man to sit back and sort of take that back seat to let me drive. I think that really helped. It helped in my build my confidence as well.
Was he very hesitant for a good long time to touch my boobs again? He was, you know, he didn't want to hurt me. He didn't know how they were healing. He didn't write. So I had to also make sure that I not only let him know that it was okay and safe, and now I'm past enough healing that, but I also. I needed it.
[00:27:32] Speaker C: Are you struggling with emotional or physical intimacy? I have good news. I am now offering an unbeatable deal for my private six week online workshop. When you purchase my new book, Anatomy of Desire, you get the workshop for free. That's right. It's on the house with qualified book purchases. Certain rules do apply, but check out emilyjamia.com workshop for all the details.
[00:27:55] Speaker A: I also know that men are turned on by touching breasts. Right. So I didn't want him to lose that, you know, and that's maybe the giver in us as women, wanting to people please. But I. That meant something to me. I wanted him to be able to. And then I wondered, well, gosh, psychologically, if he's touching me there, but he knows it doesn't do anything for me, is that gonna then derail him?
[00:28:21] Speaker B: Right.
[00:28:22] Speaker A: So it was definitely a lot of give and take of figuring out, okay, it was like this special dance. Okay, so you're gonna try to touch. I'm gonna see how that is for me. I want to know that you're getting the excitement from that touching, because that actually, even if I can't feel it psychologically, I know that's making you happy and getting you excited, which gets me excited, which helps play into the whole part. Right.
[00:28:41] Speaker B: So there's this collaboration.
[00:28:44] Speaker A: Yeah, it. Collaboration, absolutely.
[00:28:47] Speaker B: I love that. Beautiful. I mean, I just think that's so wonderful. And. And again, I think that we have to move away. You said flip the script a couple of times, and. And we talk about that in the sex community, too, about how when we narrow sex down to, you know, this five step process that we do every single time, like, what are you gonna do eventually? Because it's inevitable. Doesn't go according a plan. Are you going to let that derail you? Because that's what a lot of couples do when they can't have sex the way that they've always done it, they just stop doing it. And I just want everyone to listen to your story because you have just so beautifully illustrated this quality of adaptability and how you can draw from your inner resilience within this safe and secure loving relationship and work as a collaborative team, not just to reclaim sexuality, but improve it with time. You know, you've gone through this shared really difficult experience, but rather than allowing that to create tension in the relationship, it's deepened the intimacy between you, and I just think that's beautiful.
[00:29:52] Speaker A: Yeah. I think another thing that I left out, too, that doesn't have to do with the sexuality of the relationship, but more of the emotional relationship and the support, you know, as he needed to be the strong one for me, going through the craziness and intensity of the initial diagnosis and the surgeries, one thing that he needed to do was to talk to somebody. And he, you know, he found a couple of people who he felt he could really share with. And I remember initially hearing or finding out that he was sharing with someone who I didn't even know, and he didn't really know beforehand, and he almost needed that person who wasn't connected to his earlier life.
[00:30:29] Speaker B: I get that.
[00:30:29] Speaker A: That he could just share with. And I found myself angry at first because this is our personal thing that we should be dealing with alone together.
And then it took me a little while to really understand how much he needed that as well, because that also allowed him to be who I needed him to be in that moment and preserve our relationship and our interpersonal skills and ability to communicate.
But he needed to be able to let people know he was scared. He didn't know if he was gonna lose his wife. He didn't know if he was gonna have to raise two little girls by himself. This, you know, high school and college basketball player jock who only knew how to deal with boys and had these two little girls and mom who was. Who knew what the future was going to be. And so he couldn't let those, as much as I would have wanted him to share that with me, I don't know that I could have handled him sharing his fears with me as I was dealing with my own. So, yeah, it was very helpful that he had somebody to talk to. So I think also knowing that sometimes, whether it's therapist or a friend or some sort of, you know, a life coach, as somebody just for even that interim time, to be able to communicate with, we have to find our own support squad. And sometimes that means to looking beyond the community around you to maybe somebody new in the meantime, who just helps you get through that finite time in your life and then gets you going back onto the right path.
[00:31:52] Speaker B: I think that's so important. And something I try to emphasize with my clients as well, because we don't live in a village anymore. You know, 10,000 years ago, if something like this had happened in a village, the entire village would have been involved, there would be. And there's still some countries today where there's no HIPaa, and, you know, you have a medical issue, and they call your family members to let them in on it. But that's not the way we live here in the US, for better or worse. But couples thrive when they have a strong sense of community. To expect our partner to be everything to us 100% of the time is not realistic, and that puts way too much strain on the relationship, making it prone to snap. And so I love that he felt safe enough to reach out to someone, to let out what he was experiencing, because it's hard for partners, too. So. And I think for men especially, to open up, you know, there's such pressure on them to be strong and to keep their feelings in, but this stuff is really scary for male partners as well.
[00:32:50] Speaker A: Right. And the caregiver has a very challenging journey. Everything's focused on the patient. And, you know, obviously, for me, the hardest part was asking for help when I'm the doer in the family and I'm the one who's taking care of everyone else, and to be able to allow myself the time and the grace to sit back and ask for that help. But at the same time, the caregiver, now they're working overtime, and they've got the emotional burden and fear and all of that. So. So it's very important to give support if you're on the outside of things, looking at a family who's going through something, really making sure that you're offering support to both the patient and the caregiver, too.
[00:33:29] Speaker B: Yeah, I love that. Well, I could talk to you forever. I mean, this has been such a wonderful conversation, and I know it's going to help so many people out. And you have created your own community, now called your healthiest healthy. Can you tell people a little bit more about that and how they can join?
[00:33:45] Speaker A: Yes. So, of course, had all these wonderful fun shows and then cancer. And what I realized is only five to 10% of breast cancer is actually genetic. So I actually dove into research because my, even though my dad had cancer and there's a colon breast cancer connection, I had no genetic link to my cancer. And that baffled me and frustrated me. But when I learned only five to 10% of those cancers come from your heredity, I learned through my research it's what we put in on and around our body that leads to our future health outcomes that leaves off or turns on certain genetic coding that leads to not just cancers, but type two diabetes, heart disease, neurodegenerative disorders. And I learned it's what we put in on and around our body that, you know, it's like the gun is loaded. And then our choices of what we put in on and around our body is what fires the gun. And so how we make our habit and lifestyle changes affects that outcome and our future. So I started to change up, you know, from eating every part of the animal because I'm from Minnesota and we eat a lot of cow parts and, and chicken and fish and turkey and, you know, yogurt and cheese. I started to shift a more plant based lifestyle. I went back to school, I became a certified health coach, and when I was looking for answers, that book did not seem to exist. And so after all my research, I put it into a book called your Healthiest Healthy. And I was so thrilled that debuted as a number one bestseller on Amazon. I finally just launched the your Healthiest Healthy podcast, which doctor Jamia is a guest on. And, you know, I was so happy to be able to share all of these ideas and starting places for people without saying this is how you have to live your life, but rather here's the foundation. So, so going more plant based learning to deal with stress, because that was something I never did. So integrating some, whether it's mindfulness, more yoga breath work and meditation into my life, and then ridding the toxins on and around our body. So that's toxic relationships, putting boundaries and parameters, toxic cleaning supplies. So that's the around. Those two things are the around our body and then in our body from our foods and on our body. So how do we get the toxins in our products, our skincare, our makeup, our hair care that our endocrine disruptors, carcinogens and neurotoxins out? And so actually, for those who are listening, the last show I shot, I did 65 episodes, six shows a day for three weeks, twelve hour days.
I said, we're only going to use hair and makeup and skincare that is free of my very high demand of being free of toxins and harmful chemicals. And we have to try it all because some of it, you know, it's clean, but it doesn't work, or it's clean, but it doesn't give you the look you're looking for. So I vetted all of this and I put together a clean beauty guide. So anyone who sends me a DM on Insta or on Facebook, Samantha Harris tv, like television, I will send you the clean beauty guide. You'll send me your email, I'll send the download and you'll get it. And it has just a ton of different products that work are great and I loved and worked for me. So really being able to weed those things out and so then your healthiest, healthy community and retreats are also all about being able to help elevate your wellness and ignite really true well being awesome, awesome.
[00:37:12] Speaker B: And it really does. It starts from the inside out and you have to look at everything, your relationships, your environment, the things that you're putting into your body. And I wholeheartedly agree with everything you're saying. So if you are listening to this and want to learn more, definitely go join her community. Check out her book. I mean, it has been endorsed by everyone from Kris Jenner to Doctor Drew Pinsky. It is a goldmine. So check it out. Join her community. Follow her across all the social media channels. And I just want to thank you again for joining me today. I mean, your story just, I think, really brings to life one of the entire chapters in my book, which is about adaptability. You know, it's, it's exactly what I'm trying to get people to do. So kudos to you and Michael for, like I said at the beginning, being a beacon of health and hope for people out there struggling. Thank you so much.
[00:38:03] Speaker A: Thank you so much.
[00:38:04] Speaker C: Doctor Emily thanks again for listening to love and libido with me, your host, Doctor Emily Jamia. If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to subscribe and drop me a five star review. Positive ratings help keep the show going. As much as we can learn from experts, nothing makes us feel more connected than hearing from each other. If you have a question about your love life, visit loveandlabedo.com and also answer it on an upcoming episode. And don't forget to get your copy of my new book, Anatomy of Five Secrets to create connection and cultivate Passion, which is currently available for pre order, visit emilyjamia.com to try my online workshops and read my latest blogs. Subscribers to my podcast can use code halfoff for all my online learning material. Finally, you can follow me across all the social media channels for daily and relationship tips at Dr. Emily Jamia that's Dr. Emily Jamia. Thank you so much for tuning in.
